Lies

On a side note through all of the madness of finals, papers, and studying, I'm angry.  When someone tells you (with a smile) how they want to be friends after a break up.  And how things will be great and we will make things go back to the way they were prior to a relationship and then they can't even look you in the eye?!  This makes me mad.  This makes me lose faith in relationships, friendships, and people.  It makes me think why in the world did I spend time with someone I liked so much and devoted time to be with this person for them to just shut me down like that.  We were great friends and we knew a lot about each other in the end, which is then weird to just drop me down the toilet and lose everything.  I understand things are rough and we dont know where we stand with each other, but I am so okay with making small talk at a party and slowly bringing our friendship back up to speed.  There is no reason for him to ignore me, give me fake smiles, and not even look me in the eye.  How old are we?
This adds another reason why I can't wait to leave.  I'm done dealing with fake people, fake friendships, and people that back stab like that.  I never thought he would be the one to do that and I guess I was wrong.  SO wrong.  I have lost my faith and my trust.  Such a shame...

7 Days

These next seven days will be awful.  Next Friday can't come soon enough where I can lay in bed, sleep, hang out with friends, and have fun again.  I'm SO stressed and SO tired and my stomach hurts SO bad.  I have this issue where whenever I get too stressed, my stomach turns against me and I get severely nauseous.  I can't seem to control it very much unless I sleep, but that's not very productive when I have five tests and two papers to write by next Friday.  Yea, talk about stressed.
I'm hoping this weekend I can keep calm and stay productive.  A trip to the library may be in order so that I can truly focus and actually study.  I literally have to memorize at least 100 reactions for organic chemistry this weekend.  I know I can do it--I'm going to push myself to do the best I can with the little time I have left this semester.  I know I tried my best and put all of the effort I have in me this semester.  And that's all I can do.  Let the work continue to commence... starting now--GO!

TGIF and a stranger

I'm so glad i made it through this week.  The week seemed to drag on with so much to do.  I think I only got an average of about 4 to 5 hours of sleep per night all week.  I'm exhausted!
Everything had been okay until I ran into him today at the grocery store.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  My heart raced, my face turned red, and I didnt even know what to say/talk about.  I felt like he was a stranger. He looked different, perhaps happier?  And I hope that I look happier as well--I just dont feel it.  Down the isle later I ran into another friend that asked if I was okay, so I take it I didn't look all that great. 
After such a long and stressful week, a good movie and some cuddling would be really great, but that's not happening.  I really miss him when I see him--It really hurts.  And the sad part is, I'm pretty sure he's okay and he has so many friends to hang out with 24-7 that I'm pretty sure he has plenty of distractions.
I was going to go home tonight to spend time with my family after that grocery store incident and the way it messed with my emotions, but in my panicked state seeing him, I told him I would stop by a party tonight and I want to show that I can do it and be okay.  Not that it really makes a difference in the end, but I want to prove it to myself as well even though I know it's going to be a painful experience.
On day's like this, I just really wish all my happiness would come back and everything would be okay.  On day's like this, I'm just ready to go to bed and start my day over again tomorrow.

Updates and Thoughts

So, my caffeine free two weeks was only a brief phase.  These past few days have been exhausting and the caffeine has been much needed!  I'm going to try again this summer and I'm hoping that it stays longer than two weeks.
On on other thoughts, I have to say that since "the breakup", I have been feeling much better and more like myself.  As I look back I realize it was for the better and I accept what has happened.  Does it still make me sad at times? Yes.  Do I sometimes wish that we were still together? Of course.  But, then some nights (like tonight) I question even our friendship.  Thanks to social networking sites, I can really get the 411 on what people are up to based on their posts.  (People seem to forget this sometimes).  When he promised me that we would still be friends and he would let me know about events/parties and that we would stay in touch...well...that seems like a lie.  Am I disappointed? Yes.  Am I a little shocked? Yes.  Am I little angry? You bet!  What are him and his friends up to tonight? Oh you probably guessed it--having a party.  I thought that based on our prior friendship since freshman year and our actual relationship/friendship that developed while dating that things would be a little different post breakup.  I figured that with our maturity and friendship that invitations to events would be easy and would be wanted.  It makes me really take a step back and reevaluate friendships and makes me sad to think that time spent with friends believed to be actual friends could be "fake".  Ugh.  Thats when senioritis hits hard again and makes me ready to take on a new chapter in life with my true friends from school by my side.  I guess I put too much faith in people...
On a lighter note, I'm presenting in the science syposium tomorrow.  I'll be presenting about the biological research that I have been working on the past two years.  It will be interesting and definitely a long day, but its usually rewarding and knowledgable in the end.
So, party with "friends"?  Nahh, I'm off to discover, learn, and save the world...one bacteria at a time :)

Caffeine Free

One of my new goals lately was to stop the caffeine.  Its been good so far except that I'm exhausted beyond belief and it's constant.  I have a TON of work to do this weekend and lately when I sit down to do work, I decide to lay in bed and sleep.  Not good and not productive.  I think that if this continues this weekend, I'm going to have to cave in and get some caffeine in my system and get work done.  I suppose I can detox in another 4 weeks after graduation--AHHH!

Back to School

Being home was so nice.  It is definitely good to be back here, though.  I really love our apartment.  And getting to talk to my roommates at any time is perk. 
I had a final talk with "him" and let me tell you, I feel a lot better.  I was slightly reassured that we will be friends again and that it will take some time, but eventually we can (I'm sure with some work) be the friends like we once were.  I was glad that things were actually not awkward and that we were able to have a really mature adult talk.  I can't say that it was fun, but there were a few smiles in there where I was reassured that we'd both be okay. 
Part of me was really excited to see him since I hadnt seen him in a while, but thats where my heart hurts.  I miss our long talks (with smiles and laughter) and our times just hanging out.  And I know its going to take a while for that to be able to happen without my heart hurting or my feelings getting in the way.  I know that I have to move on and I know there is someone out there for me that will love me just as much as I love them back.  I know he's just hiding :)
I hope this week proves to be good.  I have lots of plans and lots of work and hopefully there will be lots of smiles! The true test will be when i hang out with some friends middle of the week where he will be there.  I CAN DO IT THOUGH.  I know i can :)  I know I have pulled myself together pretty well pretty quickly.  It still hits me that I'm not with him and I miss that, but then I tell myself that being single isn't that bad either.  It's time to really get my flirt on, especially for this summer ;)

Home is Where the Heart is

I have to say that being home this weekend has been so wonderful.  I really have to say that I feel 10x better from being home and staying busy.  I know it will be a little difficult going back to school only because of the memories I'm going back to.  I still say that he picked a bad time to do what he did.  He couldn't have waited another 4 or 5 weeks?  Even the day after graduation would have been so much better.  I know I am told that it may not have been good that way, but I guess the truth would be that no time is a good time (you are right, katie). 
My brother's first words to me when he saw me on friday was that "he" puts the "b" in "bs"...that made me giggle.
I had a long talk with my sister and my mom and I am confident to say that I know I'm going to be okay from this point on.  No more tears during class and hopefully no more panic feelings.  I know my mind is still going to wonder when I'm on my own, but I think that it will decrease as graduation things get crazy, fun with friends takes up lots of time, and new people/opportunities come into my life.
I do have to say that I apologize greatly to my roommates and bff (you know who you are) for being such a pain this semester.  I know my mood wasn't always the best and I know I complained a lot about my unhappiness.  I guess I didn't want to stop being in love and because of my lack of successful relationships, I was still holding on hope that things would turn around at some point for the better.  I know I was foolish and I have to work on that with my future relationships.  But, I thank you and love you to death for sticking with me and helping me through the rough spots where I didn't know what to do with myself.  You are the best!!!
I hope that this summer we can all get together and plan some fun things--perhaps another medieval times trip and fighting over roses and sashes would be another fun memory :)  I was getting pretty sentimental about graduation talk this weekend and I'm so afraid that I wont see anyone after this summer or even after graduation.  It makes me sad to think about what I will be losing if that is to happen.  But I hope that with our great friendships that we can stay good friends and plan lots of fun and stay in touch often!  I'm definitely going to live it up these next few weeks.  I want to have tons of fun and get tons of work done and not waste one minute! ( I found my smile this weekend and plan to use it to the fullest!)  I think it has really sunk in that graduation is in 4 weeks!!?  Wow, did four years really fly by!

Better days are ahead

Yesterday was a little bit of a better day and I hope that today is too.  I had a lot of distractions yesterday with exams and hanging out with my roommates again last night, which is always great.  I actually think that I laughed more than I have in a while...thank goodness!  I was wondering where my laugh/smile had run off to!  Whenever there is down time though, that's when he gets back in my head. 
I'm really excited to go home this weekend, but at the same time I feel like I could be missing out on events that will be going on this weekend.  I was invited to a party that he was having prior to the breakup and obviously I'm probably not invited anymore nor would I actually be going.  But, it makes me think about what I will be missing and how much fun they will all be having and how I wont be there.  I guess that I just have to keep telling myself that better days are ahead and that I will not be missing that much.  I've been needing a lot of pep talks from myself to tell myself that its really okay and it is for the better and that I know im going to find someone who is 1,000x better who will really love me for me.  I know that time will only make things better and I am grateful that I was able to get through this week.  Unfortunately, we still havent had a closing talk and I really hope that wont set me back down the road of sadness when that happens next week, but then again does he even want to talk to me?  He probably isnt as concerned.  That's where I get kind of mad.  Is he that upset?  How long has he really been pulling back from our relationship?  Probably a long time...but my denial has been in play for a long time as well.  That's where this a learning experience for me.  I know I need to stop the denial in relationships when I see things going downhill.  I can't always hold on.  And I really need to pick the winners of the bunch and not the losers like I have been picking in my past. 
I hope that a night out with my sister and some time with my family this weekend will really pick up my mood and bring back my smile so that I can start next week fresh with a new outlook on the rest of the semester!

Love Sucks

Breakups are the worst.  But, whats worse is the empty panic feeling afterwards.  The feeling that you are a little lost, a little empty, and a little lonely.  I've been trying to get through this week as best as possible.  I can't help the tears at times and I cant seem to stop thinking about it, which is just giving me a stomach ache and causing some sleepless nights.  The panic comes from the fact that i really miss him, i lost my friend, and I'm still in shock.  I'm a little shocked that the only people that supported me were my roomates (who I dearly love for all of their help and support--I wouldnt have been able to make it through that first night without all of you!!!...and the nights continuing.)  The friends that i have hung out with when i was dating "him" have not contacted me at all.  I know they probably all took his side of the support, but not even a "I'm thinking of you, hang in there" text.  Ouch. 
I know I'm going to be okay.  I know that things will get better.  I fell hard for him.  And EVERYTHING reminds me of him.  I can't seem to get away from it all.  It felt good to go oberserving this morning at the nearby high school.  I felt away from things and I felt more confident in what was going on.  But, as soon as i get back to school, I cant get him out of my head.  What the heck??  I'm trying to focus on my school work as best as possible.  He really picked a bad week for this to happen.  I was so in my zone this past weekend preparing for two exams that i have tomorrow and then i lost it this week.  I'm hoping i can pull myself together tonight and get through tomorrow.
Sometimes i really blame myself for what happened.  I go through the what if's.  Thinking of what i did wrong in the relationship--not enough affection, not enough smiles, not enough texting, not enough fun, too much stress, too much talk, too much affection.  But i can't do that to myself, because i know that i did my best in the relationship and its not all my fault either.  And its a learning experience.  I just need things to distract me until graduation and until i can really push past the emotions.  I'm thinking a good book.  I've also toyed with a possible dating site so that i can meet/flirt/and talk to other people just to take my mind off the pain.  No, i will not be dating any time soon.  But some fun in that department doesnt sound too bad either...
I'm really excited to go home and see my family this weekend.  I could really use some "family" time and time to get away from school and the memories.  Sadly, i really cant wait for graduation.  I really need time at home and time to start over.  I'm excited to create my "new adult life".  I look forward to some "klassy" adult parties with friends from school, a new schedule, new environment, meeting new people, and so much more.  I guess you could say that's senioritis speaking, but I think most people are secretly feeling that way recently, too.
Anyway, new goals for next week include getting back on track, less panic, more focus, and finding my smile once again!  I CAN DO THIS.