Breakups are the worst. But, whats worse is the empty panic feeling afterwards. The feeling that you are a little lost, a little empty, and a little lonely. I've been trying to get through this week as best as possible. I can't help the tears at times and I cant seem to stop thinking about it, which is just giving me a stomach ache and causing some sleepless nights. The panic comes from the fact that i really miss him, i lost my friend, and I'm still in shock. I'm a little shocked that the only people that supported me were my roomates (who I dearly love for all of their help and support--I wouldnt have been able to make it through that first night without all of you!!!...and the nights continuing.) The friends that i have hung out with when i was dating "him" have not contacted me at all. I know they probably all took his side of the support, but not even a "I'm thinking of you, hang in there" text. Ouch.
I know I'm going to be okay. I know that things will get better. I fell hard for him. And EVERYTHING reminds me of him. I can't seem to get away from it all. It felt good to go oberserving this morning at the nearby high school. I felt away from things and I felt more confident in what was going on. But, as soon as i get back to school, I cant get him out of my head. What the heck?? I'm trying to focus on my school work as best as possible. He really picked a bad week for this to happen. I was so in my zone this past weekend preparing for two exams that i have tomorrow and then i lost it this week. I'm hoping i can pull myself together tonight and get through tomorrow.
Sometimes i really blame myself for what happened. I go through the what if's. Thinking of what i did wrong in the relationship--not enough affection, not enough smiles, not enough texting, not enough fun, too much stress, too much talk, too much affection. But i can't do that to myself, because i know that i did my best in the relationship and its not all my fault either. And its a learning experience. I just need things to distract me until graduation and until i can really push past the emotions. I'm thinking a good book. I've also toyed with a possible dating site so that i can meet/flirt/and talk to other people just to take my mind off the pain. No, i will not be dating any time soon. But some fun in that department doesnt sound too bad either...
I'm really excited to go home and see my family this weekend. I could really use some "family" time and time to get away from school and the memories. Sadly, i really cant wait for graduation. I really need time at home and time to start over. I'm excited to create my "new adult life". I look forward to some "klassy" adult parties with friends from school, a new schedule, new environment, meeting new people, and so much more. I guess you could say that's senioritis speaking, but I think most people are secretly feeling that way recently, too.
Anyway, new goals for next week include getting back on track, less panic, more focus, and finding my smile once again! I CAN DO THIS.
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